The reality of the Clinton Presidency is damning enough. - PJ O'Rourke Clinton: A man who beats Republicans by running as one. - PJ O'Rourke the brains of a King Charles spaniel. - PJ O'Rourke on Al Gore If meat is murder, are eggs rape? - PJ O'Rourke Bad political ideas: fascism, communism, Ted Kennedy for Pres. - PJO'R Let me say one single word: dentistry. - PJO'Rourke on "good old days" Do you know what time cows get up in the morning?! - PJ O'Rourke Nowadays we can hardly count our blessings..computers do it for us.PJO Opportunity knocks, it jiggles the doorknob... - PJ O'Rourke Why should the little green men bother? - PJ O'Rourke on abductions Besides, the world's been about to end for a long time. - PJ O'Rourke We used to be shunned for crying in our beer.Now we go on Oprah. PJO'R Politics:the business of getting power & privilege without merit.PJO'R The usual solutions proffered for the usual worries are usually wrong. Poverty can't be eliminated by punishing people who've escaped poverty Overpopulation: Just enough of me, Way too much of you. - PJ O'Rourke Somolian Clue: Everybody. In the toilet. With an AK-47. - PJ O'Rourke Personally, I evolved in the backseat of a car. - PJ O'Rourke The environmentalists can shut up now. - PJ O'Rourke Earth in the Balance: A compendium of all ecological frets & dreads.PJ Ecology is the science of everything.Nobody knows everything. - PJ O'R Alar might kill you--if you eat 50K pounds of apples a day. - PJ O'R Nat'l well being might almost be said to be a by-product of pollution. We don't disembowel Bambi live the way coyotes do, we shoot him first. Yearly average in US: Mining Deaths - 65, Nuclear Power - 0 "We are losing species." Have you looked under the couch cushions? PJO The federal government already owns 30% of our nation's land. - PJ O'R Environmentalists don't like property rights. - PJ O'Rourke America's civil courts are already butt-deep in ridiculous damage suits We don't want Congress for our landlord. - PJ O'Rourke on federal land Allowing nature to be controlled by our government is bad. -PJO'Rourke If you had a really great time, a warrant is probably still out.-PJO'R And there is legal precedent for quarantine. - PJ O'Rourke on AIDS Semicomic diarrhea kills 10 times more than AIDS worldwide. And to make money we need to be free. - PJ O'Rourke Sometimes you need a B-2 bomber and sometimes you need your mother. PJ he's the fat kid at school who played tuba in the school band. PJ onBC State taxes, city taxes, federal taxes...and it was an eye-opener. PJ does Chicken Little have an agenda? - PJ O'Rourke what does Chicken Little WANT...? - PJ O'Rourke on liberal agenda I don't know what's good for you. You don't know what's good for me. An entitlement is what people on welfare get,and how free are they? PJ Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself. -PJ on government Bill, keep your hands to yourself. Hillary, mind your own business. PJ if child abuse was the issue, why didn't [Reno] tear-gas Woody Allen? That's not freedom, that's dependency. - PJ O'Rourke on welfare rations of slavery...hay and a barn for human cattle. - PJO on welfare Term limits aren't enough. We need jail. - PJ O'Rourke one basic human right,the right to do as you damn well please. - PJ O It's called getting a job.[college grads paying tuition] - PJ O'Rourke The individual is the wellspring of conservatism.- PJ O'Rourke There are no group discounts in the Ten Commandments. - PJ O'Rourke Christ was not a committee. - PJ O'Rourke we are individuals-unique, disparate and willful... - PJ O'Rourke love of freedom [is]selfish...in the sense that breathing is selfish. individual: squeezed cream filling of the giant Twinkie [govt]. - PJO There is no virtue in compulsory government charity. - PJ O'Rourke He'll[voter] do good with his own money--if a gun is held to his head. If responsibility is removed...social ties are weakened. - PJ O'Rourke It [Constitution] doesn't say "guarantee the general welfare." -PJ O'R Government is an abstract entity. It doesn't produce anything. - PJO'R Government can't create wealth; only individuals can. - PJ O'Rourke All government is able to do is move wealth around. - PJ O'Rourke Collective good replaces individual goodies. - PJ O'Rourke Hunting the Virtuous--and How to Clean and Skin Them. - PJ O'Rourke The principal feature of American liberalism is sanctimoniousness. PJ Kidnapping the moral high ground also serves to inflate liberal ranks. Liberals actually hate wealth because they hate all success. - PJ O'R Liberals don't like any form of individual achievement. - PJ O'Rourke It takes years of therapy to arrive at the liberal point of view. PJ O Liberals are fond of victims and seek them wherever they go. - PJ O'R "The minority is always right, said that pesky liberal Ibsen." - PJ O Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats. - PJ O'Rourke We cleaned the clock of Marxism....we beat them with Levi 501 jeans.PJ What if they gave a summit and nobody came? - PJ O'Rourke The entire Soviet service economy is conducted in geological time. PJO Which? Whatchamajigger? Whoa? What the F*ck? -PJ's 4 W's of journalism Government isn't a philosophical concept, it's a utility... - PJ O'R Seriousness is stupidity sent to college. - PJ O'Rourke Hemingway was just a tourist watching Spaniards tease farm animals. PJ I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a learning experience. Communes don't work. Neither does Cuba. - PJ O'Rourke Marxism's appeal...it gives you someone to blame beside yourself. -PJ Famine: People are not just starving. They are BEING starved. - PJ O'R Death is the result of bad politics. - PJ O'Rourke But children are short and look up to EVERYTHING. - PJ O'Rourke Automobile vs. pedestrian: "Pedestrians are easily damaged. - PJ O'R Rating System: S = Silly, VS = Very Silly, SML = Shirley MacLaine. PJ What used to be called shame & humiliation is now called publicity. PJ The President of the United States is our employee. - PJ O'Rourke Cry Havoc and loose the dogs of ditto. - PJ O'Rourke Worse than waking up wearing a wedding ring next to Roseanne Barr. PJ Notice that when Kuwait got invaded, nobody called Sweden. - PJ O'R being the world's policemen...and do we hear any thank yous? - PJ O'R Morale: how well people are doing when they're not doing well at all. I'm a former hippie. Maybe I can get a job as a "protest expert". PJ O Plus: PJ O'Rourke on liberals: I have often been called a Nazi, and although it is unfair, I don't let it bother me...for one simple reason. No one has EVER had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal. He [the liberal] has a ridiculous and egotistical relationship with God, by turns denying He exists and hiding in His skirts. - PJ O'Rourke The more victimized the better--the best victims being too ignorant and addled to challenge their benefactors. This is why animal rights is such an excellent liberal issue. Not even a Democratic presidential candidate is as ignorant and addled as a dead laboratory rat. No one is fond of taking responsibility for his actions, but consider how much you have to hate free will to come up with a political platform that advocates killing unborn babies but not convicted murderers. Liberals have invented whole college majors--psychology, sociology, women's studies--to prove nothing is anybody's fault. Resposponibility_-that cumbersome backpack which all free men have to lug on life's aerobic nature hike. They have a more innocent--not to say toddlerlike--idea of freedom. Liberals want the freedom to put anything into their mouths, to say bad words and expose their private parts in art museums.