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You are no longer allowed to call your brothers and sisters "aliens",
especially when we all come from the same planet.
   -- Carlos Santana

Visit yourself some time.  Go inside your heart and you can create a
masterpiece of joy.
   -- Carlos Santana

I can best describe myself as "libertarian" in the
small-fiscally-responsible-government, no-legislation-of-morals sense.
Not in the "I'm from Idaho and if the government won't let me have a
bazooka we should abolish it" or "I'm an industrialist and if the
government wants to tax me and tell me I can't dump industrial waste
directly into the river we should abolish it" senses.
   -- John Stimson (on rec.music.progressive), 2 October 1998

Hey man, you're my friend, but it would be funny.
   -- Grant!  24 January 1998

Life is really boring if it's not weird.
   -- John Stimson, 14 November 1997

It's like you're staring down into the pits of Hell, then there's a wash
of sweetness and a light at the end of the tunnel.
   -- Jeff Allen, 29 November 1996, after drinking a Lava Lamp, a
      newly-invented drink involving Mountain Dew, grenadine, a
      chocolate chip, a test tube, and a flashlight.

It's a fuckin' menu---you read menus; you don't edit them.
   -- Breed, 23 November 1996

I think better when I hang up.
   -- Mom, 21 November 1996

"How can you hate Info?"
   -- A co-worker
"How can you _use_ Info?"
   -- Me, 29 October 1996

"I guess we can't put this off any longer."
   -- J. Paul Slavens, 26 September 1996 23:00 CDT

"HARLIE's monitor is not a touch screen.  Do not touch the screen."
   -- John Stimson, 29 August 1996

"The problem, as usual, is POSIX."
   -- Cliff McCarthy, 23 August 1996

"Dude, I totally just got a free TV."
   -- John Stimson, 18 July 1996

"How many times have you winced today?"
   -- Kyle Fortin, 27 June 1996

"Improvisation means the ability to spontaneously play something that
sounds great, NOT the ability to play random notes very fast."
   -- John Stimson (on rec.music.progressive), 15 June 1996

"The tainting mechanism is intended to prevent stupid mistakes, not to
remove the need for thought."
   -- Larry Wall (perl man page)

"You can only not make progress for so long until you uh, can't find your
   -- John Hobach, 21 May 1996

"It's too hot for pyjamas; it's not too hot to jam"
   -- Dave Matthews, 5 May 1996

"Music should be a part of everybody's life."
   -- Marvin Stamm, 30 March 1996

"That was our attempt to do a love song, which is probably why we're all
   -- Tommy from Geggy Tah, 18 March 1996

"If love was rational, I'd be good at it."
   -- Cliff McCarthy, March 1996

"This legislation is critical to give families control of the
programming that comes into their homes through television."
   -- Al Gore, 1 February 1996
"That's what the power switch is for."
   -- Cliff McCarthy, 21 February 1996

"Cute is good for about half an hour."
   -- Ray Magliozzi, 9 December 1995

"Never underestimate the Republican party's ability to shoot itself in 
the foot while its foot is in its mouth."
   -- P. J. O'Rourke, 18 October 1995

"I've been deflated by O.J."
   -- Jerry Whelan, 3 October 1995

"Mathematica is even dumber than ML!"
   -- Cliff McCarthy, 23 July 1995

"You got to see the opening band, _seven_ songs by Pearl Jam, and then a
two-hour Neil Young concert broke out.  You just saw the concert of the
decade and you're mad about it?!"
   -- Bruce Crocker, 28 June 1995

"I can't run a 'surfing for sex' session, Luke"
   -- Scott Banister, 19 June 1995

Be it known that Mathematica is a stinking pile of shit, and I would be
DONE by now if I had written FORTRAN code myself, and gotten more usable
and accurate output than Mr. Steve Wolfram's little cluster-fuck could
ever achieve.  I hereby damn Mathematica to the final bit of the zero
dump spool(+) and curse Bill Gates* to forever use an alpha release of
OS/2 1.0!
(+) This is where HP3000 minis dump core.  The data is never seen again,
and some use this as evidence for the existence of black holes right
here on Earth.
* ALL of this is his fault, you realize...
   -- John Stimson, Fall 1993

"It sucks us to be we"
   -- Suck Suite, 1992-1993

Digga-dut digga-dut digga-dut don't suck!
   -- Steve Yates, 1988

If there were a god, she'd play a Deagan.
   -- Ciff McCarthy, 2004

Could you show me how to program in Perl real quick?
   -- Adam DeLisse, 2004-07-15

Those are all from Real Life (well, sorta). Here's stuff I've gotten from the net and other forms of pseudo-life:

Calm down.  Spin some Floyd.
   -- John Stimson, 9 May 1996

Basically a high-budget porno film, _Showgirls_ is a thinly veiled
excuse to show lots of naked thighs, bottocks, and breasts.  On a scale
of one to ten, I give it a... ten.
   -- Norm MacDonald

"It doesn't get any more broken than this"
   -- Pete Belding (?)  199?

Jeff McLeod:     What's your life goal as a musician & as a member of
                 Doctor Nerve?
Nick Didkovsky:  The goal? Keep doing what we were born to do until we
                 drop dead.  That, and put the words Doctor Nerve in the
		 cultural vocabulary of every person with two ears and a
		 brain between them.

"It is not a bomb.  It is a device which is exploding."
   -- Jacques Le Blanc, French ambassador to New Zealand, October 1995

From: hobbs_a@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz

Progressive rock was what happened in the early 70's when certain
brilliant instrumentalists got fed up with playing three-and-a-half
minute long songs about teenage love.  Unfortunately, this led them to
start playing ten-and-a-half minute long songs about nothing in
   -- original source unknown

From: roth@uiuc.edu (Mark D. Roth)
From: Stephan Zielinski <szielins@us.oracle.com>

Paul Evans' Laws on System Administration:
   #1 If users are made to understand that the system administrator's
job is to make the computers run, and not to make users happy, they
can, in fact, be made happy most of the time.
   #2 If users are allowed to believe that the system administrator's
job is to make users happy, they can, in fact, never be made happy.
Futhermore, in their quest for happiness, they will cause enough
resources to be diverted to trying to make them happy that the
computers will no longer run.
   -- ple@erg.sri.com

From: roth@uiuc.edu (Mark D. Roth)
From: Stephan Zielinski <szielins@us.oracle.com>

> My problem is that certain users run CPU intensive background
> jobs and forget to nice them so they don't interfere with
> interactive processes.  Every time I come in I find myself
> doing a ps -glxa and then renicing their processes for them.

If you get into the habit of renicing them with "kill -9", I bet
your user will soon get into the habit of renicing himself.
   -- Neil W. Rickert

From: brentk@uiuc.edu

Unix is user-friendly. It is just a bit - um - selective 
with its friends.
   -- Kristian Kvhntopp

From: towslee@math.ohio-state.edu (Jay Towslee)

Most problems look much better after either duct tape or Oreos.
   -- Bryan Welch, N0SFG <bjw@rahul.net>

From: jbh55289@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Josh Hopkins)

Software is like Entropy: it's hard to grasp, weighs nothing and
obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e. it always increases
   -- Norman Augustine

From: john@far0028.urh.uiuc.edu (John D. Richardson)

computers save time the way kudzu prevents erosion
   -- anon

From: C-reuters@clarinet.com (Reuter / David Lawsky)

I think the committee's beginning to treat the Constitution as a rough
   -- Rep. Patricia Schroeder, D-Colo. 7 June 1995

From: C-ap@clarinet.com (AP)

We're not supposed to talk about breasts, but there's a lot of people in
this room who'd pay $7.50 to see mine, so I guess they're pretty interesting.
   -- Sharon Stone 16 June 1995

From: P-Pomes@uiuc.edu (Paul Pomes)

The social circumstances appropriate for grenades just don't occur that often.
   -- Paul Pomes
For shame, Paul.  Congress meets daily.
   -- Steve Dorner

From: epenneba@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (Erik Pennebaker )

I want to leave the world the way I entered it: screaming and covered in blood.
   -- Erik Pennebaker

Mudd is great because it is terrible.  If it ever becomes pleasant it will
become utter hell on earth.
   -- Jeff Wilkinson's senior page (Mudd '92)

We've seen Easter go out and Earth Day come in.  We can all go out and
worship dirt.
   -- Patrick Buchanan

It's best to write bulletproof code _before_ the shooting starts.
   -- Larry Wall and Randal L. Schwartz

Happiness is good health and a poor memory.
   -- Ingrid Bergman

Sports are an exercise in teaching irrational submission to authority figures.
   -- Noam Chomsky

From: msluyter@dhostwo.convex.com (Michael Sluyter)

If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my
   -- Hal Abelson

Magic calls itself the other method for controlling matter and knowing space.
Against the reproduction of death
Against the conspiracy of imitators
Against the empire of lies
Everything must go.
Nothing is true, everything is permitted.

   -- AXIOM Records

From: ppomes@Qualcomm.com (Paul Pomes)

No one has the right to destroy another person's belief by demanding empirical
        -- Ann Landers, columnist and a director of Handgun Control Inc.

Generally, I like guitars more after I've had them for a while.  I
encourage people to drop them and kick them around.  New guitars have
that uncomfortable five-year break-in period.
   -- Pat Metheny (_Mix Magazine_, April 1995)

I was fortunate to learn from playing with great older musicians.
Whenever young guys ask me what they should do to get better, I always
say try to be the worst guy in whatever band you're in.  That's the
   -- Pat Metheny (_Mix Magazine_, April 1995)

I don't live anywhere.  On my income tax statement, I am listed as
Permanent Transient.
   -- Pat Metheny (_Mix Magazine_, April 1995)

The sound of that record [_Zero Tolerance for Silence_] is pretty much
the sound that I carry around in my head 24 hours a day.  Everything
else is a distillation of that, and I realized I had never effectively
documented the essential impulse of what I do musically.  The first
track is one of the top four or five things I've ever recorded.  It
captures a certain feeling and a way of expressing myself.  It's hard
for me to articulate this because it's really there on the record.
Whatever I could say would be nothing compared with what that is.
   -- Pat Metheny (_Mix Magazine_, April 1995)

As Mark Twain said, or should have said: ``All I care to know is that a
man or woman is a human being---that is enough for me; he or she can't
be any worse.''  But I hate having to say ``he or she'' or ``his or
her'' or using awkward circumlocutions.  Numerous approaches to this
problem have been suggested, but one strikes me as particularly simple
and sensible.  Just as `I' is the first person singular pronoun,
regardless of gender, so `E' will be used in this book as the third
person singular pronoun for both genders.  Thus, `E' is the singular of
`they'.  Accordingly, `Eir' (pronounced to rhyme with `their') will be
the possessive, and `Em' (rhyming with `them') will stand for either
`him' or `her'.
   -- M.D. Spivak (from _The Joy of TeX_)

David Barsamian: What are your views on capital punishment?
Noam Chomsky: It's a crime. I agree with Amnesty International on that
one, and indeed with most of the world. The state should have no right
to take people's lives.

People tell me all the time that the song "Are You Going with Me?" is
used for certain activities.  There's a kid in Colorado named Metheny,
because of that song.  I feel terrible for him.  People use that song to
fuck by.  For me, it's my tune that I've played a billion times.  It's
not about fucking.  It's about that song.  However people use the music
is something that's beyond my control.  All of those things wash away in
time and what's left is the music itself.
   -- Pat Metheny (_Musician_, September 1995)

President Clinton and Congress promised the American people that
enactment of the Telecommunications Reform Act would lead to a
cornucopia of technological innovations that would change the nation's
cultural frontiers, expand our choices, dazzle our eyes, and inform our
minds.  Instead, we've been censored in cyberspace, subjected to TV
ratings systems, and prevented from experiencing the benefits of a truly
competitive marketplace by the emergence of "cartels" created by
mega-mergers in the telecommunications and media industries.
   -- Audrie Krause <akrause@igc.apc.org>, "Just Say No to Telcom 'Reform'"

I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
   -- Scott Adams

If your computer vendor was stupid enough to ship X11R?, and not ship
"imake" with it, we *really* don't want to know about it.  Tell your
vendor to fix this brain damage, quickly.
   -- stripes & lidl

11a) Do pagans and witches do drugs?
Some do.  Most don't.  It is not a requirement of paganism, and, given
the emphasis on personal responsibility in neopaganism, and the evident
results of their misuse, and their illegality in some jurisdictions, we
caution you not to.  And yes, this includes alcohol and tobacco.
Ultimately, it's your call and your Karma.
   -- soc.religion.paganism FAQ                                      

I'm sure we can all agree that music isn't a test on which one can
cheat. The only end is to play good music; if guide lines on a fretless
instrument help toward that end, then who or what is being cheated?
   -- FredNow@aol.com

We have disabled /incoming due to the WareZ people, so be sure to thank
one (preferrably using a baseball bat) next time you meet one.
   -- Vixie Enterprises FTP server

"Anyone who slaps a 'this page is best viewed with Browser X' label on a
Web page appears to be yearning for the bad old days, before the Web,
when you had very little chance of reading a document written on another
computer, another word processor, or another network."
   -- Tim Berners-Lee, _Technology Review_ July 1996

From: Mike Perry 

"Make your Hardware work harder: Windows NT"
			-Microsoft ad for Windows NT

From: clewis@ferret.ocunix.on.ca (Chris Lewis)

"I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork.  It's useless to fight
the forms.  You've got to kill the people producing them."
   -- Vladimir Kabaidze, 64, General Director of Ivanovo Machine Building

From: kevin gillman 

"By the way, I have never denied being weird."
   -- Pat Metheny, April 1996

From: kevin gillman 

"Trade the tapes.  Boycott the bootlegs."
   -- Pat Metheny, April 1996

And, as long as we're on the subject, I can see more clearly than ever
that one of my primary goals in playing this music is to release it from
the shackles of extraneous stuff that shouldn't have so much power over
its existence. I'm not just talking about wieners on sticks and
unfortunate turkey legs, either. I'm talking about beer and
national/ethnic pride as well. These things imprison polka music and
help keep the novelty tag attached to it. Why can't we associate polka
music with driving cars or having sex or saving money or becoming
   -- Carl Finch, Brave Combo Newsletter, October 2000

In a truly mobile culture, it's considered bad form to turn your
cellphone off at a meeting or during a dinner.
   -- Carly Fiorina, November 2000

Remember that the only totally secure computer system is one that's been
switched off, disconnected from the network, encased in concrete, and
been dropped in the middle of the ocean. Even then, I wouldn't guarantee
   -- original source unknown, found at this URL

There are two kinds of cryptography in this world: cryptography that
will stop your kid sister from reading your files, and cryptography that
will stop major governments from reading your files. This book is about
the latter.
   -- Bruce Schneier, Applied Cryptography

     "Do you believe in God, Andrei?"
     "Neither do I. But that's a favorite question of mine. An
upside-down question, you know."
     "What do you mean?"                                        
     "Well, if I asked people whether they believed in life, they'd
never understand what I meant. It's a bad question. It can mean so
much that it really means nothing. So I ask them if they believe in
God. And if they say they do - then, I know they don't believe in  
     "Because, you see, God - whatever anyone chooses to call God - is
one's highest conception of the highest possible. And whoever places
his highest conception above his own possibility thinks very little of
himself and his life. It's a rare gift, you know, to feel reverence 
for your own life and to want the best, the greatest, the highest
possible, here, now, for your very own."
   -- Ayn Rand, We the Living

Atheism may be defined as the mental attitude which unreservedly accepts
the supremacy of reason and aims at establishing a lifestyle and ethical
outlook verifiable by experience and the scientific method, independent
of all arbitrary assumptions of authority and creeds.
   -- Madalyn Murray O'Hair

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god
than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible
gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.
   -- Stephen F. Roberts