Like Nancy Reagan before her, First Lady Hillary Clinton goes to consult a fortuneteller.

The fortuneteller sighs, clasps Hillary's hand in hers, and says, "I'm sorry. You must prepare yourself for widowhood. I see that your husband is going to die a sudden and violent death."

"Yes, yes," says Hillary. "But what I want to know is....am I going to be acquitted?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: From The DRUDGE REPORT

(warning - adult content) FINALLY :From The DRUDGE REPORT

CLINTON WARNED: CHILDREN ARE LISTENING

Barbra Streisand, where are you now?

News that Hollywood producer Harry Thomason is once again en route to Washington, D.C. -- this time to help President Clinton prepare for his grand jury testimony, and to also answer a few questions himself under oath at the courthouse -- took me back to a more innocent time.

Back to the beginning.

Back to another cold day in Washington: Inauguration Eve 1993. And another Harry Thomason production.

Some 18,000 guests had gathered at Washington's Capital Centre for the 52nd Inaugural Gala: "An American Reunion." It was aired on CBS-TV. It was Michael Jackson and Fleetwood Mac wishing the new president well. It was Barbra Streisand.

Dressed in a white Donna Karan that was cut down to here and slashed up to there, with a face that celebrated the end of Reagan and Bush slavery, Streisand was in top form that night.

She belted out a jazzy version of "God Bless America" -- caressing the word "sweet." She sang "Evergreen" and dedicated it to Bill and Hillary Clinton -- sitting just a few rows up.

CBS cameras, with Harry Thomason's direction, captured Hillary looking out at the seats, out at the future with love and wonder.

Everything was right on that magical D.C. night...

But it was Streisand's third musical selection that would end up turning into a presidential prophecy.

Just hours before Bill Clinton was sworn in, there was Barbra Streisand on stage, before a national audience, singing and lecturing Bill Clinton to be careful: Children are listening.

It is not clear if Harry Thomason personally approved Streisand's odd play list that evening -- a set that featured Stephen Sondheim's haunting song "Children Will Listen" from the play "Into the Woods."

Streisand, sitting on a stool looking directly at Bill Clinton, sipped her tea, opened her heart and sang:

"Careful the things you say, children will listen.

"Careful the things you do, children will see and learn... Children will look to you for which way to turn, to learn what to be.

"Careful before you say 'Listen to me.'"

The camera caught Bill Clinton misting up during Streisand's serenade. Hillary nodded with approval as Streisand warned about the perils of lying.

She sang:"Careful the spell you cast, not just on children. Sometimes the spell may last, past what you can see, and then turn against you.

"Careful the tail you tell, that is the spell. Children will listen!" Streisand hit the high notes flawlessly, the crowd applauded.

"Careful what you say, Children will listen. Careful you do it too, children will see and learn...

"Tamper with what is true and children will turn, if just to be free.

"Careful before you say "Listen to me.' Children will listen, children will listen. Children, children will listen."

The crowd applauded and cheered, Streisand blew a kiss...

The irony of that far away moment is enough to break your heart. Because of course no one in the arena that night could have any idea that Bill Clinton would later appear before a federal grand jury to face questions about what he did as he watched a White House intern do strange things with his cigars in the Oval Office.

The 1990's have turned into one sick nightmare. Children, run for cover!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MONICA'S REPLY - Submitted by A Jones

Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response to President Clinton's testimony:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.

No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.

I will not be stained by it. Thank you."

In the escalating battle between Special Prosecutor Judge Starr and President Clinton, we have this sequence of events:

Starr uses his special prosecutor power to threaten a Grand Jury subpoena.

Clinton "voluntarily" testifies but is reportedly treated very badly by Starr.

Clinton attacks Starr at the conclusion of his 4 minute "confession".

Starr recalls Monica Lewinsky presumably to find discrepancies between her story and Clinton's testimony.

Clinton fires off upwards of 70 cruise missiles.

Starr's turn.

President Bill Clinton (with comment from subliminal guy)
Aug. 17, 1998
CLINTON: Good evening. (Lie)

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. (Donít we all know it)

I answered their questions truthfully (Lie), including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. (And why did you have to, Bill?)

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private (Only after being forced into it). And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. (Lie)

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky (oh yeah!). While my answers were legally accurate, (Lie) I did not volunteer information. (Obviously)

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate (Which you have constantly denied). In fact, it was wrong (Youíre just now figuring this out?). It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. (Duh!)

But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie (Lie), to hide or destroy evidence (Lie) or to take any other unlawful action.

(I didn't "ask", but I did:
imply, encourage, order, advocate, aid, advance, prescribe, urge, promote, support, push, influence, champion, hint, mandate, prod, suggest, allude, intimate, instruct, insinuate, hint at, abet, nourish, dictate, help, command, direct, advise, control, inform, wish, will, decree, behest, help, sanction, tell, back, inspire, propel

numerous people to:

lie, falsify, cover, fabricate, mislead, clog, misrepresent, crush the truth, disguise, obstruct, misdirect, confuse, deceive, create obstacles, cloak, delude, concoct, lead astray, delay, prevaricate, distort, invent, fib, quibble, equivocate, dodge, hedge, pussy foot, shuffle, sidestep, conceal, camouflage, defer, scheme, bend the truth, hide, pervert, shade, devise, retard, fancy, delude, dupe, misconstrue, avoid, bias, hypothesize, and otherwise hide the truth.)

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression (It was the Lying which gave us the false impression). I misled people, (in other words, LIED) including even my wife (And she stuck up for you). I deeply regret that. (You deeply regret that you got caught.)

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. (Avoiding perjury and obstruction of justice charges.) First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. (Time to face the music, Bill)

I was also very concerned about protecting my family. (Didnít wanna get caught, eh Bill?) The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, (It's OK to lie if you don't like the question I guess.) which has since been dismissed, (you hid the evidence well enough, eh?) was a consideration, too (it wasn't dismissed when you lied!).

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago. (found no evidence? More play on words? I didnít hear a denial of any wrongdoing. Explain the money Vernon Jordan paid Webster Hubble to lie for you. Also you're wife's billing records that "mysteriously" disappeared until after the subpeona expired.)

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. (The word is "co-conspirators".) And now the investigation itself is under investigation. (But only after you send your hitmen)

This has gone on too long, (True) cost too much (True) and hurt too many innocent people. (Very True! But why is this Bill? Because of your actions and LIES! Had you admitted it up front, none of this would have been necessary!)

Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God. (...and the American people you lied to. You've been sued for sexual harrasment once, should we let you do the same thing as President? Our children canít respect or trust their President and leader of the free world, and you tell us itís none of our business?)

I must put it right, (actually, you are being forced to put it right, at least those parts which you know have been discovered) and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. (When can we recieve your resignation?)

Nothing is more important to me personally (Still talking Ďbout sex). But it is private (to a degree), and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family (too late). It's nobody's business but ours. (Not when youíre President, and not when our future generations are looking to you as an example).

Even presidents have private lives (Nope). It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction (not personal destruction, just pursuing the TRUTH) and the prying into private lives (sex in the Oval office with a subordinate federal employee is not private) and get on with our national life. (You couldíve told the truth a long, long time ago, Bill)

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, (Once again, have you already forgotten why that is?) and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this (then come clean, completely clean). That is all I can do. (How about cleaning up the mess youíve created? Iím sure complete confessions and apologies would be welcomed by all those hurt in this...better yet, RESIGN!)

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on. (Look whoís talking)

We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face. (The same work, opportunities, problems, and matters that weíve always had, only youíve been too busy trying to cover youíre butt that you forgot they were there)

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse (thatís up to you, Bill), and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century. (Actions speaks louder that words..RESIGN!!!)

Thank you for watching. (Like we had a choice)

And good night. (Lie)
(..never used the word "apologize" or "sorry", just "responsible"...but without remorse or consequence.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lawyer Hillary
My husband's penis is the victim of a vast conspiracy of right-wing Arkansas haters.

Lawyer Billary
Any President of the United States who is dishonest w/ the American people should resign - Bill Clinton, 1974.

I did not honor the draft due to political viability. I smoked pot in England but I did not inhale. If you elect me again I will serve out my full term as your governor. I do not recall Gennifer Flowers and never had an affair with her. I was friends with Gennifer Flowers for more than 10 years but had sex with her only once. I did not want to have oral sex with young Paula Jones. I did not have oral sex with Amanda from HIGHLANDER. I want to end welfare as we know it and give you a middle class tax cut. I feel your pain. I promise to faithfully execute the laws of the United States. I do not recall ever being alone with Miss Lewinsky. I do not recall ever giving Miss Lewinsky any gifts. [1/98] Sooner, not later! More, not less! I did not [wave finger, focus eyes] have sex with that woman, Ms Lewinsky! Oh THAT Monica Lewinsky -- I thought you were asking about the late 86-year-old Australian born Monoca Lewinsky who was gassed, shot, burned and tank-squashed years back near Waco, TX.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is what Clinton really meant in his speech:

This is all the fault of Ken Starr, and the Republicans. They are just wasting your money and being partisan by wanting to look into my sex life. They should be stopped and their expensive investigation ended. Never mind that the investigation would have been a lot less costly if I had cooperated and not stonewalled it, claiming "Executive Privilege" and other delaying tactics. We could have used the money to further our pet projects, instead of letting them use it to do any investigation into the truth of what I have done.

Yes, we tried to impeach Richard Nixon, because he had one FBI file on an enemy of his, and because he lied to the American people. Yes, we prosecuted Oliver North because he lied to Congress. Both of these acts were right and proper, because they were Republicans. Yes, I had over 900 FBI files on my enemies, and repeatedly lied to the American people and Congress, but it is all acceptable, because I am a Liberal and a Democrat, and such laws do not apply to us.

Yes, we tried to stop Clarance Thomas from becoming a Justice, because he had one unfounded charge of sexual harassment against him, but that was the right thing for us to do, because he was a conservative. Yes, we did not let an Air Force general become the Chief of Staff, because he had committed adultery ten years before. Both of these actions were proper and moral. However, just because I do the same thing (only much more of it), it does not apply to me, because I am a Liberal and a Democrat.

Yes, we go to other countries and watch over their elections to see that they are fair. However, if we steal elections in Orange County, California, and Louisiana, that is not to be investigated, because we are doing it for a good cause - keeping us in power. And since we are Liberals and Democrats, it is acceptable for us to do this. And if we take illegal campaign money from the Chinese and others in return for favors, it is just to keep us in power. Otherwise, if we had been fair and honest, the Republicans might have won the election, and we cannot have that! So anything we do is fine.

Yes, we brought over 75 charges against Newt Gingrich to try to discredit him, and finally found one "ethics violation" that we could stick on him. This was a legitimate investigation of possible wrongdoing, and we fined him $300,000 for this. However, if anyone even thinks about doing any investigation on anything I do, it is a partisan witch-hunt by a vast right-wing conspiracy, and it is unethical. Anyone who even hints at looking into my actions should be demonized and attacked in the press by myself and my supporters, should lose their jobs, be punished, and even possibly killed, because whatever I do is private and not the business of anyone else. Besides, I do not have any ethics to violate, and anything I do is above the law and ethics.

Yes, I did fire the travel office personnel and then try to get the FBI to justify it. But they were just unimportant government workers, and nobody really cares about them. It was much more important to reward my friends for helping me get elected, so giving them the jobs instead was perfectly natural.

Besides, anything I do can just be covered by saying it is all just a sex scandal - nothing else is relevant. It is just a right-wing conspiracy to hassle me about my sexual life - all the other things are subservient to that. And since that is a private matter, nothing else should be even investigated, let alone brought to trial.

Just remember, you are enjoying your jobs and your lives, and your purpose is to vote for us and to give us money. Anything we do that will maintain our power base is perfectly OK, since we are Liberals and Democrats, and thus are above the law. Such little things as law and a Constitution only apply to others, not to us.

Now just forget all this investigation stuff, and let our pet Justice Department handle anything we might feel that some Republican or Conservative did wrong. After all, we know better than anyone else how to handle law and justice. Just let us get on with the business of running the country, and keeping those nasty Republicans from giving you back some of the tax money that we took from you. We know better how to use the money than you do, so just leave us to take it and do with it what we know best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton

10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate.
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit.
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal.
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore.
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses.
4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life.
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof.
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy.

And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochran:
1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE PRESIDENT'S LIST (Long!)

What California city can't Bill get off his mind lately?
Scent o' Monica.

Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
The Spread Eagle.

How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they're too busy screwing the President.

What is Clinton's favorite toy?
An Erector Set.

What is Clinton's favorite card game?
Poker.

What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
An intern with braces.

How did they finally bust Clinton?
Monica finally coughed up the evidence.

During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving "Tricky Dicky."
Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky."

What's Slick Willie's new nickname?
President-erect.

What do the Nixon Whitehouse and the Clinton Whitehouse have in common?
Two Dicks out of control.

What is Pres. Clinton's pet name for Hilary?
"My little buttercup."

What is Pres. Clinton's pet name for Monica?
"My little suction cup."

Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is now working for 7-11?
She's endorsing the "Big Gulp."

Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
To promote off-shore drilling.

Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Why does Clinton swim naked in the White House pool?
He is trolling for interns.

What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?
Unibanger.

Why can't they prove anything in the Monica Lewinsky case?
Because she swallowed the evidence.

How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
"It wasn't words that I put in her mouth!"

Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
The nation.

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
They were both upset when Bill finished first.

What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wished he had?
A dead girlfriend and an ex-wife.

Have you heard about the new presidential limousine?
It's called the Pervertible...the top goes up and the intern goes down.

Why is Clinton's approval rating so high?
Because Monica was taking the pole.

What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?
Fornigate.

What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?
Missionary.

What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
"Sat on the Presidential Staff."

What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a Hoover vacuum?
Where the DirtBag attaches.

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win?
Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.

Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House staff?
She didn't understand what STAFF he really meant.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
We know how many went down on the Titanic.

How could President Clinton deny he had sex with Monica Lewinsky?
Clinton claims it wasn't sex because, after all, she didn't swallow.

What's the most popular game at the White House?
Swallow the leader.

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same?

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a greedy politician?
Chelsea!

What movie does Bill Clinton show to seduce White House interns?
Free Willy.

What's 12 inches long, 3 inches wide and hangs in front of an asshole?
Bill Clintons' tie.

What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
His faces.

Why does Hillary Clinton wear high collared blouses?
So you won't see her adam's apple move when Bill talks.

Wouldn't Monica be great in the "got milk" ads? Can't you just picture her with that little white moustache?

Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA.

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again!"

After the Lewinsky story broke, Hillary asked Bill to comfort her with those three little words. Bill said, "EATIN' ain't CHEATIN'!"

Monica didn't get paid for working in the White House...she did it for a GAG!

The new favorite dish in the White House is the Clinton stew.
One weenie in hot water.

Clinton has given up the Saxophone...instead he's learning how to play the whore-Monica.

Bill: "I didn't tell her to lie in the DEPOSITION...I told her to lie in THAT there position!"

Bill Clinton accused Monica of not following the party line...He says she only paid lip service to it.

Clinton hired Johnny Cochran for his defense. The new line is..."If she spit, you must aquit!"

Mr. Clinton paid an unscheduled visit to a US Women's Luge Team practice, just before the team left for Nagano, Japan, shortly after hearing that they were already lying on their backs.

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

Hillary just hired a new White House intern ... LORENNA BOBBIT!

Most people worry about getting AIDS from SEX.
Bill worries about getting SEX from AIDES!

The president got a dog so that Hillary wouldn't be confused when she walked past the Oval Office and heard, "Roll over, sit, stay. Good. Now here's your bone."

Hillary's new book: "It Takes A Village..."
"...To Satisfy My Husband"

Monica and Bill are in the oval office. Bill says, "Hey Monica...let's play 'Hide The Sausage'!" Monica says, "Why...you always hide it in the same damn place?"

To his credit, Clinton is now defending Monica Lewinsky, saying she was no different from any other White House intern. He said, "She takes my pants off one leg at a time, just like everyone else."

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr.President! I said, "Throw the first PITCH!"

One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" "Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!"

Bill Clinton is jogging around and tells a Secret Service man, I can't wait to get back to the White House so I can rip Monica's panties off!"
The serviceman replies, "Aren't you a bit frisky sir?
Bill says, "Nah..they're just riding up my crack!"

One day, Chelsea Clinton asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales start with 'Once upon a time'"?
Bill answered, "No, some start with, 'After I'm elected. . ."

No doubt there will be more Clinton embarassments and jokes to come.