Press Releases

 

October 21, 1997

N.O. Underage Drunks FIRE SALE!

New Orleans, LA:

"Hey, you told us beer was free for the team!"

--"The first round was free. You've had twenty-six rounds."

"Oh, give me a minute to take up a collection."

 

Yes, we need money. And since we're not going to need it to make travel reservations for the playoffs (at least the good ones) -- we are willing to sell or trade any player for players, cash, future draft picks, or food. Make us an offer for any of our excellent players:

Brett Favre -- perennial WIFFL star and Nike poster boy!

Barry Sanders -- running wild yet again!

Terry Allen -- what a runner!

Mike Alstott -- the loveable throwback fullback!

"Touchdown" Tony Martin!

Shannon Sharpe -- John Elway's favorite tight end!

Darnay "Great" Scott - one of Ohio's top five pro receivers!

Sean Jefferson -- a personal friend of Drew Bledsoe!

Doug Brien -- the New Orleans Saints lone source of offense!

Jason Hanson -- can score lots!

New England defense -- played in a Super Bowl -- really!

New Orleans defense -- not 1/100th as bad as their offense!

Washington defense -- now with run-stopping ability!

Stan "The Man" Humphries -- played in a Super Bowl too!

 

Stock up for your playoff drive now -- we don't have to!

Make us an offer today!

 

October 21, 1997

"The Savior" has Arrived!

Newport Thrifty Nickel

Newport, Oregon: In case you had not noticed, the Thifty Nickel carried the following ad this week ...

For sale Cleaning garage, lawn mower (need work), authentic jerseys and helmets (LA Riots, Illinois, Miami, Purdue), pool table, 3 spd bike, and wheelbarrow. Make offer. Jeff 263-7737

After making some phone calls, it was confirmed that Jeff George, "The Savior", has been traded to Newport from the LA Riots for Kordell Stewart. Apparently, Jeff and the Rogue's head coach have been on the same team before. Jeff moved into the old Cranfield house on 3rd street and his mom moved into the house next door. Jeff was unavailable for comment, but Jeff's mom wanted to talk to the Thrify Nickel. She's a very lovely lady. Mrs. George said that Jeff was "looking forward to a playing in the wide open offense the Rogues play". However, she cautioned Coach Firsich not to "get any ideas about trying to run the ball more than 35% of the time". There are (unconfirmed) reports from West Lafayette, Indiana that back in 1988 when Jeff played for Purdue, Mrs. George had a court order restraining her from being within 100 ft of the Purdue football coach, Leon Burtnett, after she reportedly attacked him with a "I Love Boilermaker Pete" seat cushion for "making Jeff hand the ball off".

The Newport Welcoming Committee and Beer Making Club will be welcoming the George's into our community next Tuesday night. It is a potluck dinner so call Penny Allen to coordinate what beer you are bringing so we don't have a fiasco like we had at the Grbac's welcoming party. Jeff's mom said that he "can have one beer, it is a school night, and please don't bring anything with stewed tomatoes, because it makes him gassy".

Coach Firsich said that he was glad to get "The Savior" back on his team and he looked forward to finally getting to talk to him, as Jeff's mom handled all the contract negotiations. When asked if he was concerned about the (unconfirmed) reports of earlier violence against the Purdue coach, he had no comment. The coach had to cut the interview short as he had to take time look over the new playbook the Jeff's mom had dropped of before this weeks practice. Before we left, Jeff's mom called the coach (for the third time) to verify that he was willing to trade next year's draft picks for players to keep the Rogues out the the Toilet Bowl, which she would hold him personally responsible for.

Let's hope that the new blood helps revitalize the Rogues while fans still don't mind paying $3.50 to see the game. The next home game is sponsored by Newport Ales and the Newport Thrifty Nickel and will include the unveiling of this year's "Newport WinterAle". So bring your Rogue Mug for "Nickel" beer night against the Wichita "Whoa-Nellie!" 's.

 

October 2, 1997

RAMPAGING YAKSMEN CONTINUE RELENTLESS DRIVE TOWARDS CHAMPIONSHIP

"Our Victory is Inevitable" - Coach Bill Pfeiffer

McHilhenney Stadium, Spivey's Corner, North Carolina: A jubilant Head Coach Pfeiffer celebrated with his team their decisive victory over a pathetic showing from the New Orleans Underage Drunks. "They're pansies!!! This victory is part of our carefully orchestrated plan to squash the rest of the WIFFL under our hooves. Ever since team owner Bill Pfeiffer outlined this unusual yet bold plan to bring the Muskrat Valley it's first WIFFL championship, he's taken a lot of flack from the local community especially from the head of the Booster Club, Willy Pfeiffer. But this total domination of the Drunks shows the wisdom and brilliance of Pfeiffer's plan.", remarked Coach Pfeiffer. The victory seemed to squash rumors that the jobs of Coach Pfeiffer and Team Owner Pfeiffer were one the line. The parent company of Spivey's Football Inc, the multinational conglomerate, Golden Children, GmBh was rumored to be displeased with the progress of the team and the CEO, the enigmatic man known only as "The Walrus", was said to be personally involved in the review.

In unrelated news, Spivey's Corner Head Magistrate, William Pfeiffer, closed the investigation into the missing construction workers at McHilhenney Stadium. "Since we could never find the bodies, we have to assume that they just wandered off somewhere", said the magistrate.

Spivey's Corner Kilted Yaksmen is the WIFFL franchise of Spivey's Football Inc. a multi-national holding company with interests in sports franchises, construction, political favors, city management, mob enforcement, nuclear weapons development, and child day care. Currently under 945 federal indictments, the company expects to be victorious or eliminate the complainants.

NOTE: Spivey's Corner Kilted Yaksmen, the Yaksmen logo, and 'Hurl' are registered trademarks of Spivey's Football Inc. Additional company and product names may be trademarks or registered trademarks of individual companies which we don't give a damn about.

SOURCE: Spivey's Football Inc.


July 21, 1997 Yaksmen Announce Winner Of Logo Contest And Team News

 

Avery Island, Louisiana: The Spivey's Corner Kilted Yaksmen, currently in training camp at the McIlhenney, Co Tobasco Plantation on Avery Island, Louisiana, announced the winner of their new team logo capping a contest among the Muskrat Valley's young people. Team Owner, William Pfeiffer, said,"We felt that by having the kids of Spivey's corner decide the new mascot's look and name, they would better be able to make the team and owner a part of their families." The winning logo, shown here in yaksmen.gif, is called 'Hurl', and was submitted by Li'l Billy Pfeiffer of Spivey's Corner. Li'l Billy won over the more traditional finalist, 'Ralph' submitted by Billy Paul Pfeiffer, shown in yak.gif. "We felt that Hurl more accurately illustrated the youthful fun that we here in the Yaksmen organization want to bring to our fans and teams through out the entire WIFFL."

yaksmen.gif

yak.gif

The Yaksmen front office also announced that the team had picked its official team band. The band, called interestingly enough, Spivey's Corner, is based in Salt Lake City, Utah and is known as, "The Newest Musical Phenomenon To Sweep Utah County. More information can be found at the bands web site: http://www.byu.edu/%7Eyoungm/spivey.html Future deals are under discussion with Pepsi, Coke, ATT, Nike, Gatorade, and Preparation H pending ruling from league offices.

Team owner William Pfeiffer denied rumors that he was considering moving his team from the WIFFL to the upstart Western Professional Football League. In addition, Mr. Pfeiffer announced that he had recently settled a lawsuit charges of collusion and bribery of city officials including Mayor Bill Pfeiffer and district judge Billy Paul Pfeiffer over construction of McIlhenney Stadium in Spivey's Corner. He also continued to deny any knowledge of the missing 498 construction workers at the stadium site. "I hope that all family members are aware of my deepest concern over return of their loved ones. By the way, doesn't the grass on the field look really healthy and well fertilized!!", was the comment from General Manager William Pfeiffer.