Humor 2

 75 Year Old Woman , Management SpeakGM&MicrosoftAges of WomanAges of Man  , Drug Store ComputerConsulting , Chicken in Movie , Help WantedWisdomAdam & Eve , Halmark , Office Christmas PartyGrill3 BlondsStuff to Ponder  , Fruit Cake , Doctor, New ElementShe/He , H2O , DriverNuns , BillGatesIdiots Rule , Hymns, DirtyOJ , Hindu CatsMen & Women 
 


Engineer on Island

An ambitious engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, at least for awhile.

A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. Finally one day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But-but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"

She replied, "On the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you

live?"

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of row wing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you", he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes.

He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my E-mail from here?"
 


75 year old woman

A 75 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke to God.

She asked him, "how much time do I have to live?"

He said, "you have 35 years left."

She figured that as long as she was going to live another 35 years, she was going to look young again. So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery done. She had a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, and liposuction. She completely did herself over.

After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly.

When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked right over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years!"

God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"
 


MANAGEMENT SPEAK

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting.

TRANSLATION: I disagree.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree."

TRANSLATION: "I disagree."

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you.

TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You have to show some flexibility.

TRANSLATION: You have to do it whether you want to or not.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have an opportunity.

TRANSLATION: You have a problem.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You obviously put a lot of work into this.

TRANSLATION: This is awful.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: In a perfect world.

TRANSLATION: Just get it working and get it out the door.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Help me to understand.

TRANSLATION: I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You just don't understand our business.

TRANSLATION: We don't understand our business.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You need to see the big picture.

TRANSLATION: My boss thinks it's a good idea.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I appreciate your contribution.

TRANSLATION: @#%* you!

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We're going to follow a strict methodology here.

TRANSLATION: We're going to do it my way.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I didn't understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary?

TRANSLATION: I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Cost of ownership has become a significant issue in desktop computing.

TRANSLATION: We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to leverage our resources.

TRANSLATION: You're working weekends.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Individual contributor.

TRANSLATION: Employee who does real work.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Your project is on hold.

TRANSLATION: We've put a bullet in it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Wrong answer.

TRANSLATION: You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: You needed to be more proactive.

TRANSLATION: You should have protected me from myself.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'd like your buy-in on this.

TRANSLATION: I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We want you to be the executive champion of this project.

TRANSLATION: I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We need to syndicate this decision.

TRANSLATION: We need to spread the blame if it backfires.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: We have to put on our marketing hats.

TRANSLATION: We have to put ethics aside.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work.

TRANSLATION: I don't know how to do it.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: It's a no-brainer.

TRANSLATION: It's a perfect decision for me to handle.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'm glad you asked me that.

TRANSLATION: Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I see you involved your peers in developing your proposal.

TRANSLATION: One person couldn't possibly come up with something this stupid.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: There are larger issues at stake.

TRANSLATION: I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I'll never lie to you.

TRANSLATION: The truth will change frequently.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.

TRANSLATION: We have no idea what we've been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Value-added.

TRANSLATION: Expensive.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: Human Resources.

TRANSLATION: A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.

MANAGEMENT SPEAK: The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees.

TRANSLATION: The upcoming reductions will benefit me.
 


Fruit Salad

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."



 

THE NUDGE

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."


Stupid Stuff Crooks Do.

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?

Florida: [Pardon our English] Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A _ _ _ _-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank has put this engraved plaque on the wall ...."Freeze, Mother-Stickers, this is a _ _ _ _-up!"

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give the police a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Washington : When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

New Jersey: A Newark woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the

thief was arrested.

Michigan: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain

still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.


Microsoft vs. General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened


The Ages of Woman:

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?


The Ages of Man:

1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly

2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly

3. Over 47: Try weakly


Computer at the Drug Store

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and the various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper which read ; You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant-twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
 
  


TOP TEN REASONS PROSTITUTION IS BETTER THAN CONSULTING

10) You get to choose your clients

9) Hotel, etc. expenses are directly billed

8) You actually receive that high hourly rate clients are paying for you

7) No dress code

6) Close client interaction at all times

5) You are working nights anyway

4) Finally a way to fit exercise into a tight schedule

3) Continual feedback - every two hours or so

2) Not tied down working with a team (unless you want to be)

1) Either way you are screwing clients



Chicken in Movie

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"
 
 
 

 HELP WANTED

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into

the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says thatyou have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"


A LITTLE WISDOM TO HELP YOU GET THROUGH SOME TOUGH DAYS

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, Just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.

That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Try a little kindness. As little as possible.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw in that little sprig of parsley.

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.

I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That' s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kinda foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

If they lined up all the men in the world... it would be one goofy line.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!

Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.

Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV. So I put the cat there.

I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!"

People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.

Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

Somewhere, over the rainbow... that's where the airline will find my luggage.

The best laid plans of mice and men are worth about the same.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

I've found a sure way to relieve office stress:

Step 1: take a deep breath.

Step 2: count to 10.

Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire.


Adam & Eve

According to Eve, Adam had been staying out way to long for several nights. She confronted him and said, "You've been seeing someone else, haven't you!!!" Adam replied, "Don't be ridiculous Eve, you're the only woman on earth!

How could I be seeing someone else???"

That night Adam was rudely awaken by Eve poking and poking and poking him in the chest. "What are you doing?", he demanded. Eve explained, "I am counting your ribs!!!"


Rejected Hallmark Cards

1.
Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
2.
My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry
3.
You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
4.
You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5.
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.
6.
Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me
7.
Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?



"Office Christmas party"

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."

"He's an a**hole - piss on him!"

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
 
 


Grill

A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to his wife, "Your rear end is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!"

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you're sadly mistaken."
 
 


Three Blonds

There were 3 blondes walking along the beach and one of them kicked a bottle in the sand. A Genie pops out and says, "Each of you get one wish."

The first blond says, "I'd like to be 25% smarter."

Poof - she's a redhead

The second blond says, "I'd like to be 50% smarter."

Poof = she's a brunette

The third blond thinks & thinks & finally says, "I'd like to be 25% dumber."

Poof - She's a man!


* STUFF TO PONDER *

How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes?

Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it's made out of BEEF?

Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

IF "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro"....then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients.... but DISH WASHING LIQUID contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn't grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to "CURE" it?

Why do we wash BATH TOWELS-aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put SUITS in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase?

Why doesn't GLUE stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

What's another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
 


  From an Internet news service on air transportation.

FIRST THE PUDDING, NEXT THE FRUITCAKES: Forget exploding fuel tanks, errant missiles and rudder malfunctions: the latest threat to aviation safety is pudding. It seems that traditional English Christmas pudding looks exactly like the explosive Semtex when examined by an airport X-ray machine. "...Christmas puddings have an unusual density which alerts the system," an anonymous airport spokesman told the Associated Press.
  

A man went to the doctor's office.

The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants, and there has been an accident right out front. A young couple was killed, and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs $30,000.00."

The patient couldn't help asking, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?"

The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."
 
 


A New Element

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, for an atomic number of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected hemically, as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, one reaction that normally requires less than one second was extended to four days by the presence of a minute amount of Administratium.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistance neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies suggest that its atomic mass actually increases in each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as government agencies, large corporations, universities and churches, and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.


She/He Definitions

Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.

female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.

male: Food, sex and beer.

Thingy (thing-ee) n.

female: Any part under a car's hood.

male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.

female: A woman who makes love to other women.

male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.

female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.

male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

male: Playing ball without a cup.

Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's

partner.

male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for

a weekend with the guys.

Butt (but) n.

female: The body part that every item of clothing

manufactured makes "look bigger."

male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.

female: A desire to get married and raise a family.

male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.

female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.

male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding.

Making love (may-king luv) n.

female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

Taste (tayst) v.

female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.

male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
 
 


Subject: H2O

 
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. it is a major component in acid rain

3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. accidental inhalation can kill you

5. it contributes to erosion

6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious.
 
 


 Driver

A man went to his Psychoanalyst, and told him that, "I really like Los Angeles since I have moved here, but the Freeways terrify me. So many cars, going so fast, how can I get over this?"

The doctor suggested that he try driving the freeways on Sunday morning at 6:00 AM to get used to them. As he explained to his patient, "All of the Catholics will be in Mass, all of the protestants will still be asleep, and all of the Jews will be on the golf course."

So, the man tried it. He got rear-ended by a Seventh-Day Adventist that was on his way to work!



Nuns

Cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."



Bill Gates & Saint Peter

Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows '95. I think I'm going to let you choose between heaven and hell."

"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "Can I have a look at hell first?"

Saint Peter showed his guest a wonderland of sunny beaches, beautiful women, sumptuous food and an ideal climate.

"If this is hell," Gates exclaimed, "I want to see heaven." Saint Peter led the way through the billowy clouds filled with angels playing golden harps.

"Hmm," Gates pondered. "This is nice, but I think I prefer hell."

Two weeks later, Saint Peter went to hell to check on the billionaire. He found him shackled to a wall, surrounded by shooting flames and tormenting demons.

"Saint Peter!" Gates cried. "This is awful! This is nothing like the hell I visited. What happened to that other place, the one with the beaches, the beautiful women and the delicious food?'

"Oh, that," Saint Peter replied. "That was just a demo."
 
 


 IDIOTS RULE:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.

She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

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Warning!

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say,

"Strip down, face toward me"

Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

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A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda." The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."

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Idiots and Geography:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

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Advice for Idiots:

An actual tip from page 16 of the Health Physics "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees." "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

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Idiots in the Neighborhood

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

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Idiots and Computers:

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?

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Idiots Are Easy To Please

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to
say, she was very disappointed.

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Idiots In Food Services

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

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Idiots Do Math:

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

 


 Favorite Hymns:

The Dentist's Hymn - "Crown Him with Many Crowns"

The TV Weatherman's Hymn - "There Shall be Showers of Blessing"

The Tailor's Hymn - "Holy, Holy, Holy"

The Golfer's Hymn - "There is a Green Hill Far Away"

The Politician's Hymn - "Standing on the Promises"

The Optometrist's Hymn - "Open Mine Eyes that I May See"

The IRS Hymn - "All to Thee" ( I like this one!!)

The Gossiper's Hymn - "Pass It On"

The Electrician's Hymn - "Send the Light"

The Shopper's Hymn - "Sweet By and By"

** If you MUST speed on the highway, sing these hymns loudly: **

at 45 mph - "God Will Take Care of Me"

at 55 mph - "Guide Me, O Great Jehovah"

at 65 mph - "Nearer My God to Thee"

at 75 mph - "Nearer Still Nearer"

at 85 mph - "This World is Not my Home"

at 95 mph - "Lord, I'm Coming Home"

at 100 mph - "Precious Memories"


Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

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Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:
 
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

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Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker

7. Look at the size of his putter

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first


The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.

I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!

When I came home, I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.

My friend, he took me for a ride.
All through LA, from side to side.
From north to south, we took a ride.
But from the cops we could not hide.

My trial lasted for a year.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
The DNA, the HEM, the HAW!
The circus-hype the viewers saw!

A year! A year! Just sitting here!
And lawyers charge by the hour I fear!
If I'm found guilty, I will appeal!
Appeal! Appeal! I will appeal!
I'll wheedle and whine. I'll cut a deal!
If it's "not guilty," so glad I'll feel!

Did you do this awful crime?
Did you do this anytime?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Now could you please return my glove!!