Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Monday Night Football.

Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

You can open all of your own jars.

Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

Guy in hockey masks don't attack you ... unless you're playing hockey.

You don't have to lug a bag full of stuff around everywhere you go.

You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

Your last name stays put.

You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

You can kill your own food.

The garage is all yours.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment."

You never have to clean a toilet.

You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

The National College Cheerleading Championship

None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your name in the snow.

Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.

You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.

You get to jump up and slap stuff.

One mood, all the time.

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

You never have to drive on to another gas station because "this one's just too gross."

You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

Same work...more pay!

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.

With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

You don't mooch off of other's desserts.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

The remote control is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

ESPN's SportsCenter.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it."

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.

New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"


There's always a game on somewhere.

One word, "Women"