|Fri 12, Sep 2003
||Haha! I'm a blog
What did you really expect? A post every day? Eat me!
|Wed 10, Sep 2003
||Don't yell at me!
I hate funerals, people are always so uptight. Someone died, big deal.
Just divide up their possessions then move on. I really dislike people
who get all emotional at these events. You don't see me breaking down
and crying like a litte bitch. About halfway through the event, my
phone goes off, and luckly i had the ringer set to "very loud", otherwise
the priest would have drowned it out. I answered it, and it was this chic
i met about a week ago at a strip club. I guess i was speaking loudly,
because some stupid old lady in the back that was crying told me to be
quiet, and asked if i had no respect for the dead or the lords house. So,
i stood up and told her that i was on the phone with God, and he said that
they were all damned. That sure silenced them. After that, i was able to
finish my conversation in peace and quiet. And best of all, that stripper
is coming over tonight, and i will have her yelling for God.
|Tue 9, Sep 2003
||don't joo my smokes Jesus!
So, Lucifer and myself are hanging out down by the bodega, getting lifted
on some of that good stuff, when who should show up? Jesus, thats who.
Once again Jesus is trying to bum a puff, so i told that punk to beat it.
I swear to god, i cannot remember a single time when he was not trying
to bum a puff from somebody. I know Lucifer was pretty peeved by it,
the poor guy has to bust his arse all day, and the first minute he gets to
take a load off, this sort of crap has to happen. It would not be so bad
if his father would talk to him about his behavior, but no, everytime
we bring it up, he gets all pissy and starts yelling at us to get out.
I remember this one time when i was hanging with Moses, and i had to go
get some twinkies. When i got back, Moses was passed out, and my entire
stash was gone. By the time i got Moses coherent, he told me that Jesus
had passed by, and they got to talking about the old days, and next thing
you know, they were smoking on my stuff. I later found out that after
Jesus got blasted, he went around telling people that he was here to save
them. Then one afternoon he took a whole garbage bag of the stuff from
a major dealer, big mistake. Two days later they had his arse up on a
cross. If it was not for his father, that would have been the last we
would have seen of him. Would have served him right too...
|Mon 8, Sep 2003
||PPP no work
There is probably only one person besides myself who knows what that
means. And he will never see it. Life is grand, is it not?
|Sun 7, Sep 2003
||Viva la mexico
Well, that was a short vacation. Word of advice, if you are ever in
mexico, do not take a ride with any stranger offering to take you to
see a "donkey show". There i am, minding my own business in a bar
drinking myself blind, when this old man sat down next to me. He
started going on and on about some crap about a show that i would like.
I was getting really tired of his conversation, and i thought he said
"monkey show". So, i said i will go see this show, if it will make
him leave me alone. About 30 minutes later we arrive at an abandoned
warehouse. As soon as i got out of the vehicle, the bastard drove off.
Great, its fricking 2 am, and i am stuck in the middle of some hell
hole. After muttering a few curses out loud about the old mans mother,
i realised there was a some noise coming from the warehouse. I walked
around to the back of the building, and there were two mexicans
sitting on some crates playing cards by the light of a smelly kerosene
lamp. I cleared my throat, and i think they almost soiled their pants.
The one closest to me, reached behind a crate, while the other started
yelling some sort of crap in mexican. I said "relax guys, some old
bastard just dropped me off here to see a monkey show and then he drove
off. Just tell me where i can find a telephone so i can call a taxi."
As soon as they heard me say the word "monkey", they both relaxed and
started laughing and making obscene gestures. I guess the alcohol was
begining to wear off, because i was begining to realise that i was
losing my buzz, and i am not a fun person to be around while sober.
The mexican who had on a hello kitty tee-shirt, opened the door and
told me to give him 20 U.S. dollars. I figured they would probably
have some alcohol and a phone inside, so i gave him the money, and
walked into a scene that can only be described as pure carnal
debauchery. I then realised the old man had said donkey, not monkey.
And it was not a circus, but something quite different. But, they had
free alcohol, and lots of it, and this one chic promised to drop me
off at my hotel in a few hours after she finished her act, so i stayed.
|Sat 6, Sep 2003
||Mmmm.. it burns
I am seriously considering the thought of giving up bacon. Every time
i prepare this wonderful dish, i inflict upon myself serious burns all
over my body. Sure i could wear clothing while i cook it, however then
i will have bacon fat stain all over my clothes, and that is just
unacceptable. So my solution was to cook it while completly naked.
On the plus side, i no longer have bacon fat stains on my clothes.
Instead i now have burn marks in areas that only a sadist would admire.
The things i do for bacon.
|Fri 5, Sep 2003
||Eureka! more at 9
After weeks of experimentation, i have found a reproducible way to create
anti-matter. Just one small problem... They keep on getting into contact
with matter and being annihilated. This is really starting to piss be off
too. If this keeps up there is no way i will be able to ship that warp core
on time. My only other option will be to design the engine around an
artificial quantium singularity. Last person who worked on one mysteriously
disappeared. I think he probably got it working and got the hell off of this
chunk of rock. Seems like the most probable explanation, especially since
they could not find a trace of his lab...
|Thu 4, Sep 2003
||Proper urinal etiquette
Everytime i visit the urinal, i realise that there are alot of people
who have never taken "urinal 101." So, i will take this burden unpon myself
and give a quick list of "Do's" and "Don'ts".
- rest your member in the urinal basin (keep your hands free)
- have deep philosophical conversations
- have contests! (fastest, longest, most splashback... the sky is the limit)
- be polite and shake hands when someone joins you at the urinal
- share your urinal if all others are in use (no more than two to a urinal)
- check out the other guys package (its okay to make comments about it)
- wash hands afterwards (unless you pissed on it)
- piss on others at the urinal (unless they deserve it)
- piss on the floor (unless the sink and trashcan are already in use)
Well, that is all for now. See you at the urinal!
|Wed 3, Sep 2003
||Bad reputations are overrated
You hit one co-worker in the head with a hammer, then suddenly everyone
think you are a "bad" person, or that you are mentally unstable. I
think they should mind their own business, before someone hits them in
the head with a blunt object. There seem to be a surplus of people who
need a good beating, and not enough time to beat them. Oh well my
mission must continue.
|Tue 2, Sep 2003
||I will tell you what you can sue!
How dare they throw my case out! I am so angry! I had a valid case.
I have a valid, eternal patent on living. All living things are in
violation of my intellectual property. However, since i am a decent
person, i do not hold the end users responsible (unlike SCO!). Instead
i prepared a case to sue GOD. I remember when GOD and myself use to hang
out and get high, back in the old days. Back then he was a riot. Then
him and Lucifer got into a thing over this chic, well, and the rest is
history. Anyway, back to the story, the judge threw out my case! The
bastard even laughed. Well, fsck them. Lets see if he laughs when i
get an injunction against all living things.
|Mon 1, Sep 2003
||No more time traveling for me
Maybe there is a reason why building a time travel machine is so difficult.
Who would think manipulating the stock market would be a bad idea? I did
find out one thing, the time line is not a line. Its more like a forest,
and when you go backwards, the longer you stay, the more difficult it is
to return to the same point from where you returned. Not to mention, you
just cannot keep jumping around time, eventualy people will start to
notice. Which is what happen to me. I bearly escaped... I did learn one
thing. No matter how much you pollute different points in time, it will
not affect the time path you originated from. All that money and time
wasted, and John Tesh still exists!
|Sun 31, Aug 2003
||If anyone asks, i was here all night
The most important thing with any crime, is to get rid of all the evidence,
and the witnesses. Its times like these owning a boat and having access to
a very deep lake comes in handy. Just in case you ever run into a situation
where you need to dispose of, lets say a life sized object in a lake.
The most importanting thing to do is first remove all of the objects clothes.
Then, buy a nice long chain from HomeDepot, or whatever hardware store you
have access to. Make sure you get a chain that has been weather treated, and
the links are not too big, or too small. Then, just wrap the object in the
chain very neatly, so that it cannot slip loose. Last but not least, is to
make sure you slip out onto the lake in the afternoon, but stay out on the
water until around 2 am. Then let the object slide slowly and quietly into
the water. Now break out the champagne! You deserve it!
|Sat 30, Aug 2003
||All the crap you can eat... and then some
Who would think that eating 2 cans of refried beans for breakfast would be a bad
idea? There i am, sitting at my desk at work, talking to the natives, looking at
some midget pr0n, you know, a regular day. Due to the beans, i was extra gassy,
so i let those babies rip loose one after the other. Suddenly i realised that
i had made a big mistake with that last one, and instead of gas, i now had a big
surprise in my underpants! Instantly i knew what i had to do. All those years
of watching the A-Team and Mission Impossible was finaly going to pay off. I
grabbed a roll of duct tape out of my desk and stuck it in my pocket. Why? heck
if know, but for some reason no secret mission can be accomplished without it.
Staying in my chair, i slowly rolled myself out of my cube and down the hallway.
Sure i got a few stares, but i just kept on sipping my coffee as if i do this all
the time. Opening the restroom door i peaked in, and as luck would have it, it was
empty. I rolled into the restroom, and locked the door. Quick as a ninja i
removed my soiled pants and underpants, and using the duct tape like webbing from
spiderman, i wrapped it up neatly into a nice grey ball. One problem solved.
After giving my rear a good wash in the urinal, i dried off by pointing my rear at
that wonderful piece of technology, the warm air hand dryer. My rear never felt
so happy as it did today. Now that i was all fresh, i could head back to my desk,
except that my coworkers would probably complain that i was naked from the waste
down. Using the duct tape again, i proceeded to wrap my legs and private area with
it until it looked like i had on a pair of very trendy grey pants. Needless to say
i was quite impressed. My skills with duct tape are unrivaled! Two for Two.
Last but not least, i must get rid of the evidence. Rolling back down the hallway
with the ball under my arm also attracted more stares, but i played it cool, and i
am sure no one had a clue what i was up to. I knew the best place to get rid of
this stuff would be the dumpster at the back of the building, so i rolled over to
the service elevator, since no one uses it during the day, and rode on down to the
lower level. Steathly i stalked from wall to wall till i got to the emergency exit
that should take me to the dumpster. I pressed the emergency button and then to hide
my activity, i pulled the fire alarm lever. Darting outside i ran up to the dumpster
and threw my package of shame into the gaint green monster. I am invincible!
Crap! the door shut behind me. And my building access badge and wallet were still
in my pants, which is now in the dumpster!
To be continued...
|Fri 29, Aug 2003
||Ear Wax, low fat, low calorie, high bitter
Today while enjoying another wonderful session exploring the depts on my ear canal,
i noticed that my secretions were not the usual dark brown, or the occasional lite
cream. instead it had an almost radioactive green glow to it. So i gave it the
smell test, and it passed that just fine. Last but not least, i decided to try
the taste test. Well, it wasnt bitter like my usual productions. instead it was
a bit sweat and sour. like sweat and sour sauce! I thought this was strange,
especialy since i had some sweat and sour pork for dinner. I shall have to get to
the bottom of this. When i do, i will let you know.
|Fri 29, Aug 2003
||I HATE Blogs! and i hate YOU!
see the title, now go to hell and leave me alone. Why must every idiot with access
to a webserver believe that people want to read every stupid event that occurs in
their life? I will tell you why, because they are losers! and guess what! you are
a loser too! why? because YOU! (the idiot reading this page) encourages them in their
vanity. Fine! you want to read blogs? i will give you blogs! i will show you all!